Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Meet Baby Mama

Or perhaps I should have entitled this, how to turn 100 yen into 100,000 yen

After some additional terse phone calls, it was decided that the beau and I would act as family ambassadors and meet with Baby Daddy and Baby Mama on behalf of the beau's parents. This obviously thrilled me to no end, for who would scoff at a chance to become involved in a family drama that is not one's own?

I took my role very seriously and in an effort to project an appropriate level of welcome-to-the-family hotness, went with a new little black dress, purple peep-toes and a fur-trim cocktail coat. If there was one thing I wasn't going to be apart from Japanese, it's out-dressed. We had heard from BD that the future mother of his child is very pretty and as he said in Japanese, a girlfriend one can be proud of. Being from Saitama, I figured this could go either way (apologies yet again to anyone in Saitama).

Before heading out to meet them, the beau held a last minute conference call with his parents, and from his answers I can only assume they were telling him to find out every last detail they wanted to know.

Well, find out we did. The beau allowed us momentary pause after the first kanpai before he kicked off the interrogation. Questions were asked and answered, allowing us to ascertain BM's age, occupation, the occupations of her parents, marital status of her siblings, food dislikes and religion. That last bit was found out rather by fashion accident, for in addition to a simple cotton black dress, BM had adorned her chest with a crucifix, which made the beau feel entitled to ask if it meant she was Christian. As I'm sure you have guessed, she isn't and we were informed the cross has no meaning. My memory is a bit hazy but I may have even echoed this sentiment with murmurs of assent, or even ACTUAL WORDS to the effect that this is what the girls are wearing these days. My sparkling wine must have been spiked, for as you can also guess, I am not an advocate of wearing crucifixes (crucifixi?!) unless you want to reference your homeboy JC. We'll call it a Madonna lapse for now.

Apparently one sunny day not so long ago (literally), BD met BM at the liquor store she works at and that was that. Baby made, wedding planned. Charming story really. I will give BD some credit however, for he did present BM with a ring on her birthday which, even if it wasn't then, is now an engagement ring. This is before the unimmaculate conception so at least we know they kind of like each other. I really couldn't care less whether their baby is born out of wedlock or not, but it is of some comfort to know they are not getting married simply because you apparently can't tell a 27 year-old to get an abortion (more on this fascinating fun fact in a later post) .

We had quite a pleasant evening actually, save for a harshly worded soliloquy by the beau strongly urging BD to stop acting like a pussy and arrange for his parents to meet those of BM. I admit I was quite taken with the speech, and had to agree that BD needs to grab this situation by the balls and begin acting like an adult. This includes involving his parents and ensuring they don't feel completely left out of everything way up in snowy Aomori. I feel for them, for BD expects them to listen, nod and show up at the wedding with bells on, without allowing any room for the inevitable shock that set in upon receiving that first phone call.

BM seems nice enough, although I really didn't get much of anything from her, which is to be expected from a first meeting under the circumstances. She doesn't like vegetables and is far too thin for someone growing someone else (not acceptable and average Japanese woman size, but bones-visible size), but apart from that I didn't glean much else from the meeting. I could snarkily break down her face for you, her dress sense and her overall demeanour, but really, what's the point.

The conversation did take an unexpected and juicy turn when the beau suddenly began asking about the technical details of this unimmaculate conception. Not just whether a condom was used or not (negative, as if you even need to ask), but whether BD forgot to pull out or JUST EXACTLY WHAT WENT DOWN. A lengthy and extremely scientific discussion ensued, whereby I learned that the sex of babies is determined by how far into a woman the sperm is deposited. Lovely imagery there as I am eating small deep-fried white fish while by this point, sucking back the wine.

Although the wedding date has not yet been set, I have been invited, which is fairly exciting given partners are often not invited here. If I had a laptop that wasn't a heavy-breathing monstrosity that can't hold up its own screen, I would blog live from the inner depths of the wedding, where no unwed whitie has gone before. This is going to be exciting people! BM in true fashion, does not want to have the wedding in some hall in Saitama, but would prefer a hotel wedding in Shinjuku or Ikebukuro. If I could get past the yen signs, I would stare straight into her eyes and tell her maybe she should have done a little family planning 8 weeks ago if she thought she wanted a hotel wedding. In less than 3 months. In Shinjuku. Japan. Overpopulation. Must reserve well in advance. You get the picture.

If you were to peel back the snark, you would find that I really like BD, and always have. Ever since meeting him, we have gotten along famously and he is always quick to make sure I am well fed and taken care of at his parent's house and his restaurant. His lolicon did have me worried at times but at the end of the day, I just want what's best for him, even if it comes in the form of someone questionably younger (which BM is not). I'm not against shotgun weddings or babies, but as someone who believes strongly in the use of contraception by those with access to it, I can't help but find this whole situation a bit ridiculous. The choices that people make are theirs alone and while I do truly hope this thing works out for BD and BM, I will unfortunately have to continue with my running commentary. It's simply too good to pass up.

I will now leave you with an equation representing this situation as it directly relates to me:

A + B = C, where A is the decision not to spend 100 yen on a condom, B is the decision to have unprotected sex, and C is a monetary value of 100,000 yen that will be given by the beau as a mandatory wedding present, a kind of fine if you will, for the irresponsible stupidity of his brother. More on the joy of giving money at Japanese weddings next!


Tokyo Moe said...

Thank you, Geisha, for the juicy details. Of course I was loving the part of the conversation I cannot imagine if the Beau's parents where there: the "details about the immaculate conception."

I cannot believe they openly discussed condom use, pulling out, and their (shared?) belief that degree of penetration determines baby's sex.

Will you be in kimono for wedding? Will you fake a tear of joy? I am sure the Beau's parents have a new appreciation for the smart foreign girlfriend who knows the value of 100 yen!

Orchid64 said...

I can't believe the number of adults in Japan, *both* foreign and Japanese, who believe that "the withdrawal method" will stop a woman from getting pregnant. In a healthy, fertile male, there are more than enough active sperm in precoital lubricant to do the job. A man doesn't even need to ejaculate to get a woman pregnant under the right circumstances. One doesn't even need to consider the fact that pulling out is the last thing a man's body is telling him to do at the crucial moment.

I don't even think it's about a lack of education. I think most people know better, but they engage in "magical thinking" and believe that it's not going to happen to them. :-p

Kelsey said...

I love you. Never change. You are too freakin damn funny!!!!

BD and BM had me laughing so much. I def agree with you being more glamourous than any knocked up Jgirl!!! Don't let them talk about what YOU wore lol.

Seriously tho this was prolly your funniest post by far, but then again the sad part is that I know all of this IS very real and not being made up.

After all, we are in Japan.

Corinne said...

As an expert in the dekichatta field I must say kudos to BD for stepping up and not the freaking the fuck out, (as all of us dekichattas do at some point) I was also amazed at the mandatory wedding and baby insane amounts of yen that was forked over to us. However when I bought a stroller for seventy thousand, I knew why...
Looking forward to seeing how the tale unfolds!

Lisa said...

Holy shit, 100,00 yen?!

Coop said...

I do have to say this is one of the funnier posts I have read. It's just to funny (well maybe not so much for BD/BM) Your Beau is right BD should man up, and get the parnets to meet, etc. It would of interesting to see how her family is taking this. This is Japan and she is over 25 (or I thought I read she was 27). Oh the horror! BD is marring an old maid!

Green-Eyed Geisha said...

Tokyo Moe: These people are definitely not on the same page as us, perhaps they are in a different book altogether! I uh, *choke* pulled the trigger on a new kimono so yes, I will be properly attired for the wedding! As for fake tears, I certainly wouldn't want to ruin my eye make-up!!

Orchid64: I completely agree, and I still can't wrap my head around it. Especially when we are talking about continual non-use. The thought of an unplanned pregnancy is enough to kill any magical thoughts popping into my head!

Kelsey: Why thank you! This funny material has truly fallen out of the sky and into my lap, so I suppose I should be thanking BD and BM?!

Corinne: You seem to have done really well with your hubby and I love reading about your adventures! In fact, it gives me hope that BD and BM's marriage will be a success!

Lisa: Those were almost my exact words, but sprinkled with more profanity. Lucky are those with big families!

Coop: Thanks for commenting! She is 27 so yes, time is a-ticking! I am dying to know how her family is taking this, although I will probably never know. When she says "they were surprised", that could mean any point on the spectrum.

Jen B said...

of all the tings in the post i could comment about, all i have to say is "purple peep-toes". need.

Green-Eyed Geisha said...

Jen: They make me feel complete like no other shoes have. For reals.