Monday, March 2, 2009

Dear Geisha

I don't know how most of you made your way to my humble blog, but I do know that people have googled some pretty crazy shit and been led astray to Chez Geisha. So I am proud to announce the inaugural edition of Dear Geisha, part Dear Abby advice column, part mockery.

First of all, I am really getting a taste for some people's proclivities, which actually elicit snickers from me. I love that word, snicker. Love the peanut version too. So here we go:

Now I know saying the peeps over at the Immortal Geisha forums are a little geisha-crazy would be an understatement, but I'm slowly learning about a whole new aspect of geisha fascination and romanticizing the Orient thanks to people's searches. I'm frankly surprised that most of them can spell "geisha". (Asterisks inserted to prevent this blog from becoming a hotbed for these queries, fingers crossed!)

geisha vs housew*fe I'd like to see this, although I think you'd find the geisha has better manners and conversational skills.
geisha esco*t tokyo Well there are geisha in Tokyo, and there are escorts, but you are not going to find both rolled into one and if you're googling this sort of thing, you should probably be looking into an escort-try the back of Metropolis.
geisha s*ower movie Don't you know they don't shower, but use ancient and traditional public baths?!
geisha pu*ic hair I think it's safe to say-similar if not the same to every. other. Japanese. woman's.
geisha p*e Because it's so different from every other woman's...
geisha services vancouver I think what they meant was "Asi*n sl*t mas*age Vancouver"
geisha pimp, what is the word I don't know, what is the word? Geisha are not prostitutes and so don't have pimps.
geisha movie, when the man takes off her skirts Hmm let me rack my brain for this one...perhaps the Sayuki movie? AKA biggest farce ever?
geisha mass*ge erot*c movies What the hell is this geisha massage I keep hearing about? I thought they only trained in dance, music and conversation.
geisha japanese bitch There are some of them to be sure.
geisha hot towel This is one I haven't heard about. Are they misinterpreting the use of oshibori perhaps?
geisha fu*king Yes, we'd all like to see this.
geisha giving he*d j*b This too.
geisha do they attack Only when provoked.
geisha bitches Again, yes, they exist.
foot-bonding in a geisha No, you're confusing this with foot-binding in China, which is so not hawt. Back to google.
do the geishas always sleep with men? No they don't so you'd be better off throwing a 10,000 note down at a pink salon for a quick blow job from someone also trained in the art of using her mouth.
baby eating geisha Well there are geisha bitches but I don't think they go this far!
as*es from a geisha Is this person even old enough to type?!
japanese geisha catfight This I would love to see, but as of yet have only see the frostiest of sisterly love among geisha.
geisha sweat They do! And it tastes like candy!
do geishas wear br*s No. And maiko don't wear underwear, those damn panty lines are so pesky.
fuc*ing a geisha Not going to happen to you in this lifetime if you are typing "fucking a geisha" in English, into a search engine on the internet.

What strikes me the most is that I talk enough trash for these phrases to pull up my blog in a search. I mean really, baby eating geisha?! What have they been reading in middle America?Tune in next time, when I expose queries relating to stomping women and dress up games, which are really dress down if you want to get technical.

3 comments:

jaredinnakano said...

This is a hilarious post! Clearly the internet is full of whack jobs. Rest assured, not all your readers are so ignorant.

datsun kildare dr said...

oh yes they are

Green-Eyed Geisha said...

jared: Yes, it always makes me laugh to see what people have been googling. I had no idea people typed questions into the search box like some kind of magical oracle!

datsun: Welcome! Isn't that a tad harsh?