The dangers of standardized testing

I haven't had a whole lot to say recently, mostly because I am in the throes of studying for a certain well-known and infuriating standardized test used by universities in Canada and the U.S. to measure one's willingness to drop a grand on a Kaplan class. I have gotten myself extremely stressed out about it to the point that I think I have shed tears around 3.5 times so far. I have now reached that mild zen state seven days before D-day but mid last week when I was in the depths of despair I started eating everything in sight but what I really wanted was some Reese's peanut butter cups. I knew that the Foreign Buyers' Club wouldn't deliver in time to satiate me before the test and so I turned to FBC Express, guaranteed to my door in 5-7 days. Cost-wise I figured I could either eat everything in sight without really getting what I want, or I could just cut the crap and go for the good stuff. It started out innocently enough. And as with so many things as of late quickly spiralled out of control and $100 later I had Cheerios, Betty Crocker frosting and cake mix, a bag of Reese's mini cups, Twizzlers, Kraft Mac n Cheese and Hostess Cupcakes in my shopping cart. What can I say, it was either gain 10 pounds with stuff I didn't really want or maybe a couple pounds with well, stuff I need.

This morning the shipment arrived and I felt like one must feel when the Red Cross drops a food aid box on your patch of desert. Was that inappropriate? Probably.

From the outside the box was a lot larger than the small number of items I ordered but I quickly found out why. I think in my haste to click "add to cart" I overlooked the fact that the box of Hostess cupcakes in question contained 24, or in my delirium didn't fully comprehend what 24 Hostess cupcakes truly entailed. What I found when I opened the box was a very heavy box of Hostess cupcakes meant for display at a fucking 7-Eleven. A box which promptly went in the bottom of my closet before the beau could see. The bag of Reese's was also about ten times larger than I expected. I kept blinking at the purchase order form trying to figure out how you can buy so many cupcakes for only twelve dollars. No wonder some Americans are so large, they have HUGE boxes of cupcakes on sale for only twelve dollars. It's so cheap to gain weight in the land of plenty! There is also the little problem of the cakes being good until July 7, which means I am going to have to substitute 400 calories of food I would normally eat for two cupcakes every day in order to get rid of the evidence of my panic-induced dirty secret junk food buying spree. Either that or only eat cupcakes for a 48-hour period until I hit cardboard. I'm telling you people, the next time you find yourself about to click "purchase," remember me fondly and then make sure you have at least a couple friends to give away half the food to.