Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dear Geisha 2

Happy Birthday to me. As of last week I have been officially turning out drivel for one whole year now! Delivering tidbits on Japanese culture like you've never seen it. If you want a laugh go back and read my SUPER lame first post. In fact, don't, some things are best left unread or at least long forgotten. I never thought I'd be the girl with a blog but around this time last year I just couldn't take the pressure of living here as a lonely white girl, working at the Kaisha and having very few friends in Tokyo to share all that with. Not much has changed! But I do appreciate your comments and those of you who just "lurk" (as I hear they are calling it) - frankly I never thought people would actually read what I write and since I have had some fun times writing this blog (if snickering at the memory of some situations counts), having readers is truly the icing on my matcha cake (although it wouldn't be matcha, it would be Betty Crocker's French vanilla). Quite a bit has changed actually, I have been consciously trying to make the most of my time here and not lose sight of the reasons I love Tokyo (I know, blah blah blah). If only it weren't so lonely...but more about that another time.

If you missed the first installment of my part-advice, part-mockery column based on questions people pose to Google, which then kindly directs them to my blog, you can find it here. If you didn't, then sit back, relax and find out yet again, why Google shouldn't be sending advice-seeking people to my blog.

onsen "cleaning lady" naked embarrassed - I couldn't make this up if I tried, could this be anything other than p*rn? Or am I being to cynical and this person wants to know what Japanese cultural mores would dictate if one found themselves in such a situation?

why do my heels keep snapping off my shoes - You know, I was asking myself this same question last year and thankfully have not had any more snappage (touch wood). However, I did have the pleasure of attending a recent meeting with another kaisha and what do you know, my heels were so rough around the edges from the beating they take on the sidewalk that they kept sticking to the carpet, meaning every time I had to move from a standing position I looked like a mouse with its feet stuck to a trap! I do recommend having your heels resoled every so often, especially if you live in Tokyo where the sidewalk might as well be a heel-gobbling monster.

what do Japanese women use to smell good - I don't know, I've never had the pleasure of sniffing one. Any one have some answers to this one? I will say that I appreciate the spartan use of strong perfume here and can only guess that Japanese women don't feel the need to douse themselves in a whole bottle before leaving the house. Plus there is the risk of being turned away from the creme de la creme of sushi restaurants and wine bars if you reek like an expensive whore.

time to take off your bra miss - Now for some reason I imagine a British guy saying this. Either way who types such an uppity thing into Google?!

should women remove hair on their arms - This seems to be a bit of a geographical quandary and I would say Yes if you are in Japan, no one has arms as smooth as a babies without employing a good sharp razor and there are a whole lot of baby-smooth arms up in here. Almost every Japanese woman I know shaves her arms. And yet, several women here have complimented me on my blond arm hair, remarking on how good it feels.

sexy kaisha - What exactly was this lone wanderer looking for? I had to laugh - I have not written anything sexy about the Kaisha, namely because there is nothing sexy about it. Unless you think men and women shuffling around in rubber sandals is sexy.

geisha vs prostitute in catfight - I would pay actual money to see this. In fact maybe I could start an underground gambling ring in Tokyo that pits some of the local geisha against the soapland girls. I will suggest it to the geisha I know and see how it goes over.

eating carrots at desk work and eating sweating - Damn did these two people have my number or what! I've done all of the above and at the same time. It wasn't pretty. I wouldn't recommend it.

japan, course, dark, hair - I don't know whether to say Ew or Rarr. Vomit. Which also leads me to Japanese women chest hair. Not touching this one.

green-eyed jew - Maybe this is what I should have name my blog. Green-eyed Jewess Does Tokyo. This one made me laugh, especially when I imagined Borat saying it. At least I don't get the "you don't look Jewish" thing in Japan, just blank stares and gaping mouths.

do I look like obama - I don't know, do you? Either way is OK though, you could still land an acting gig in Japan playing Obama, as long as you are a black man. I still think the guy in the Softbank family is super cool, regardless of the fact that he doesn't look like Obama. In fact, I think he might be one of the coolest gaijin on TV!

dress up games that you can take off the bra - Wouldn't they be "dress down" games if they included taking off "the" bra? Gentle readers, is this not proof enough that I am talking out of my ass most of the time if I get hits from the phrase "dress up games that you can take off the bra"?!?! There are more, so many more, but I will leave more of the insanity for next time.


Anonymous said...

You're supposed to just ignore the cleaning lady in the men's bathrooms and locker rooms.

selena said...

Happy birthday.

Reannon said...

All of those are just. so. creepy! I don't ever look at the search terms that bring people to my blog because it just freaks me out that there are such weirdos on the Internet. I mean, I know they exist obviously but I don't think I'd be able to write anything if I was imagining that even one of them was reading what I wrote. I mean, Japanese woman chest hair???

A few of those made me laugh out loud though. That's a good idea for a column.

Anonymous said...

You are a great writer! I look forward to every entry -- keep it up!


B said...

I just found your blog a few days ago when I was also googling something - but none of those! I was something about Tokyo, I don't even remember lol. Thought your blog was very interesting and added to my rss feed. There, I unlurked!

Corinne said...

I love reading your blog, your writing is great. Hope you keep it up for many years to come!

jo said...

how do you find out the search terms that bring people to your site?

Green-Eyed Geisha said...

Anon, selena, Rheannon, Dan, B, Corinne and jo: Thanks for all the love people, I really appreciate it. And to those of you who came out of the woodwork, thank you. I am such a lurker on other people's blogs, must learn to comment more!

jo - I know there are tons out there but the only trackers I have used before are Sitemeter and Google Analytics. They both track different levels of info and both provide information on what search terms led to yout blog. That's about all I know, I am so not tech-savvy.

Sinja said...

Happy belated birthday!